My Story of Child Sexual Abuse
I have a very personal story to share with you about my story of child sexual abuse. My parents, sister, brother and I had lived together in a very small home. We grew up going to church every Sunday and was surrounded by family and friends of faith. My mom worked a lot and at times she worked two jobs. My siblings and I were left home alone a lot, especially when we came home after school.
I recall as young as 3 years old when I was sexually abused. I have very clear images of being in precarious situations where fathers should never be doing with their toddler. These are situations that would raise eyebrows and suspicions and questions for sure. My biological father from the ages of 3 to 16 years old sexually abused me. It was a part of my life and I did not know anything else or any other life except that I was subject to horrific pain, shame, guilt and disgust. I just thought that I had to endure it and that there was no other way. I felt I did not have a choice.
All through my childhood, I was abused at different places and it happened wherever my dad wanted to sexually abuse me. It happened in his truck, at lakes, damns, water parks, parks, railroad tracks, my home (mostly) and many other places. I felt powerless. I remember that I also felt responsible and I did not want to tell anyone because I thought my mom or others would be mad at me. I felt responsible to keep my family together and if I had told someone about the abuse then my family would break up and it would be my fault. It sounds so hard to believe that I would think that way but I was just so scared and afraid.
Aside from the abuse in my home, my dad was an alcoholic, he was lazy and a loser!! Most of the time he was irresponsible. He played baseball and bowling. He was friendly and had many friends. It seemed that everyone knew my dad because he was the friendly guy next door. No one would ever expect that my dad was a child molester. I know he molested my cousin who was one year younger than me when she lived with us for one year. He also molested one other girl and I tried to stop it (literally). My dad was sick and disgusting. My father had another family and kept that a secret from us for years until I was a young adult.
In my home, there was much fighting and arguing between my parents. It was common to see roaches. Our home was infested with rats so at night I had to cover my body with a blanket to ensure rats would not go inside my blankets but you can hear them crawling around my bed. I suffered from severe insomnia in junior high and high school. I also had severe migraines and suffered from PTSD but did not know what it was called at that time. I was never treated for these symptoms. I contemplated suicide throughout my high school years.
As a child I was very withdrawn from people and did not have many friends in school. I secluded myself from others and did not play in the schoolyard. I always felt that I was different and that nobody liked me. My soul, my existence of being a child had vanished because it was horrifically taken away from me. I lived in fear of everything that I did at school and when I went to any public place. When it was recess and lunchtime, I did not play with the other kids. I just stood in front of the play area all alone. I appeared socially awkward and I was socially awkward.
At my catholic school during fourth grade, I was called into the principle’s office and four nuns asked me if something was wrong at home or with me. They asked me if I was doing okay and expressed sincere concern. Someone at my catholic school suspected something was wrong with me and questioned my behavior. Someone questioned my rather strange and withdrawn behavior. Someone had the guts to take a stand and break the chains of being quite. I never found out who that was because after fourth grade I was taken out of that school and went to a different school for fifth grade. Throughout my school life, I never liked to talk or answer the teachers’ questions. Even though I knew the answer I pretended not to know the answer so I wouldn’t get called on. My teachers placed me in groups that signified I was at the bottom of my class even though I was at the top of my class.
There are so many other symptoms of my sexual abuse but in all of this I had hundreds, upon hundreds of conversations with God. I did not understand what was going on and why it happened to me. I asked God and questioned Him countless times. Yet, I knew that one day I would turn 18 and when that day came I was getting out of that hellhole. And that is exactly what I did. The minute I turned 18, I left to Las Vegas and married my boyfriend who was five years older than me. This marriage did not last and I found myself as a single mom of two beautiful children. But I never left the Lord and never stopped going to church. I had this inner drive in me that I had to live a better life than what was given to me. I did not want to and refused to be another statistic of someone who was living on the streets or on drugs.
I hung onto the promises of God. And the Lord helped me through my healing journey by bringing me resources, friends, therapy, and of course His love. God never left me. I was never alone. I am so thankful because of my relationship with God and how it helped me to stay sane and to keep fighting. I never wanted to give up on life and I just wanted to thrive and create a beautiful life for me and my children. I accepted that everything that was done to me was the past and I had no control. I could not change the past at all. I wanted to restore my life in abundance with God. All the pain I endured made me feel I needed to live a beautiful life that much more and I had all the reasons to do so. I know my mind has been restored through God. In my thirties and forties I began to have PTSD and severe anxiety attacks to the point that it was debilitating me. I couldn’t go to public places, sit in church, or be in a car with people.
I know without a doubt God helped me find an amazing Christian licensed therapist who specializes in childhood trauma for child sexual abuse. I am truly grateful and blessed to have her in my life and be a part of my healing journey. My healing journey is a testimony to what God can do in anyone’s life and how He can heal anyone. My anxiety issues have been under control to the point where I am not confined to my home anymore. I can ride in the car with family and friends once again. I can sit in bible study groups and not leave early. I can do things now that I could not do before and I see how my life has changed for the better and is a lot more peaceful. My day-to-day life is filled with less fear and anxiety. I know what happened to me is something that I cannot take back and it is what it is. I refuse to stay stuck in the past. It’s a journey of healing.
I stopped being angry but it will never go away…all the memories and thoughts of horror, pain, fear, disgust, loneliness, disparity, trauma, and ugliness. I faced evil straight in my eyes. I faced evil everyday of my childhood. I endured evil through horrific acts of sexual abuse. I lived with the devil himself. Day in and day out I lived in a body that wanted to escape this world and felt unwanted. But the one thing my evil perpetrator could not mess with was my mind. As I was in pain, my mind did the best to escape from focusing or feeling the most devilish acts of child sexual abuse. My mind escaped from reality and helped me to feel numb. I remember all the times when I felt my body floating almost like I was floating in the air (defense mechanism) just trying not to feel the horrific pain when I was being sexually abused.
Thank you for reading my story, my healing journey of child sexual abuse. Only through Jesus have I been truly restored! I am restored through His grace. God has used many resources to bring me to where I am today. I asked Him to help me and make me a new creation in Christ and you can too! All you have to do is ask God. He will show you and heal you in His perfect way and through His perfect will. I know that I want to help others who have suffered at the hands of sexual abuse and hope that my story can be a testimony to you so that you can see what God has done for me. I pray my healing journey encourages you to do the right thing in making decisions for your own healing journey. I always looked to Him to help me and He has never let me down.